Saving Shinigami SideFic: Duo
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: Duo's thoughts after he ran out at the end of Chapter Seventeen


Notes: This little fic is from Duo's POV, and it is not going to be a giggle-fest, so be warned. This kinda spun out of control, which is nothing unusual. I intended it to be around a thousand words or so, just a short but emotional one-shot to accompany the fic, but it somehow became a lot longer, and I got a lot further into Duo's head than I thought I would. So, enjoy and review!   
  
"Of all the stupid, idiotic, moronic, dumb-assed, shitty things to do! I mean, couldn't they have waited until I was a tinsy bit closer to sanity? What are they trying to do, force me into a straight jacket? Honestly, how did they expect me to react to something like that? 'Oh, sure, that's okay, I've always had a secret crush on you, Fei, I don't mind you telling me this right before Heero leaves to go get killed'! How Heero can be called a genius I don't know! It would serve him right if I dumped his ass!"   
  
I took a deep breath and stopped ranting, staring at my muddy socks. I knew I couldn't dump him. Leaving Heero would be like trying to leave half my soul. I could no more leave him than stop breathing. And I didn't really want to. Heero was my strength, my centre; he was my world.   
  
But he wouldn't always be there for me. This mission just forced me to face that fact. He could receive a mission that would take him away from me for days, weeks, hell maybe even months. I couldn't depend on his always being there. I knew that, I did, but... it hurt to admit it.   
  
The thought of loosing Heero was terrifying. He was... my saviour, as corny as that sounded. He had pulled me back from insanity, rescued me from my own mind. I wasn't sure I could go on without him. A part of me, the small part that always thought like a soldier, understood that I might, but the rest of me...   
  
Sitting down on a fallen tree, I fingered my cross and forced myself to think about Wufei. I hadn't exactly lied when I talked to Heero. I did think he was handsome and I could see myself falling for him, I had just sort of... neglected to mention the fact that I had kinda sorta fallen for him once before.  
  
I wasn't confessing undying love, of course, the feelings I had for him were a pale shadow of what Heero and I had, but... well it was more than a little crush. I'm not sure what it was really, I just knew that I had found myself watching him more than once, wondering what it would be like to see under the disdainful mask he wore. I actually made a few attempts at trying to find out what he felt about me, but after the x-th time I'd been pushed away, I just sort of gave up and focused my attention on Heero. I could always see through Heero's mask, see the emotional young be that was begging to come out.   
  
To suddenly find out that Wufei loved me was... a little bit of a shock. And to find out that Heero not only knew but was willing to share...  
  
Did I really trust this? Heero was protective and possessive, and so was Wufei. Could I really trust that they would share me peacefully? God, that sounded so... arrogant.   
  
But if I didn't take the chance, I'd never be able to look at Wufei the same way again. I'd act differently, despite my best attempts not to. there would always be this knowledge between us, all those unspoken words. I didn't want that, didn't want to lose my best friend. That would definitely be bad.  
  
So I either trusted that they could keep their word and share, or lose my best friend.   
  
Trust, if you didn't know, was not something I did easily. Everyone I knew had abandoned, betrayed, or hurt me, and that did not inspire me to trust easily. Trusting Heero hadn't really been a conscious choice. It was just that he was a warm, comforting thing that helped keep the darkness away. He had stayed with me through everything, helped me fight the cold horror within me, and when I 'woke up' he was still there, still helping me, comforting me, loving me.   
  
I had bared my soul and been loved. But, damn, it had been scary. I wasn't sure I could do it again.  
  
Still, I didn't want to lose Wufei. But could I really take that leap of faith? Would I hate myself if I couldn't?  
  
"You look like you need a friend," a voice said, and I smiled as Quatre sat down beside me. "Wanna talk?"  
  
I glanced at him and shrugged. "I take it you know what's going on."  
  
"Yep."   
  
"Any advice?"  
  
"Just the same advice I always give: trust your heart."  
  
"And that's the problem! I don't know what my heart's saying and I don't know if I can convince my head to listen!"  
  
"Just stop thinking, Duo, that's all you need to do. Stop thinking about Wufei and Heero and what they did, and just focus on what you're feeling about them. Thoughts always get in the way of emotions."   
  
I sighed and looked at him hopelessly. Thinking too much had always been a problem for me, combined with an overactive imagination. My brain thought up all the hundreds of ways this could go really horribly wrong, and my imagination displayed little scenes for me to observe, all of it telling me to just run the fuck away.   
  
I tried to imagine the ways this could get fantastically right, tried to picture me living happily with Heero and Wufei, but imagining happy endings has never been one of my talents. I've seen the fucked-up endings a lot, seen all the pain and heartache, seen all the loneliness and despair. I haven't seen joy and love, wonder and contentment. That was depressing when I let myself think about it, so I didn't let myself think about it.   
  
"Okay, let's try some simple questions," Quatre said suddenly, and I blinked at him in surprise. "Question one: Do you love Heero?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Question two: Do you trust Heero?"  
  
"Yes."   
  
"Question three: Do you like Wufei?"  
  
I noticed his switch in wording, and barely hesitated before answering, "Yes."  
  
"Question four: Do you trust Wufei?"  
  
And that was the hard part. I did trust Wufei, but not with my heart. I trusted him to guard my back in a fight, I trusted him to complete a mission, I trusted him to protect me (as if I ever needed it), I trusted him to tell me when I was doing something wrong and then help me correct it. I trusted him to do a lot of things, but I just wasn't sure if I trusted him with my heart. How was I supposed to know?   
  
"Have you ever known him to betray your trust, Duo?" Quatre asked softly, and I had to think a moment before I realised that I hadn't. Every time I had put my trust in Wufei, every time I had counted on him to be at this place at that time, he had been there. He had never, ever let me down before. So... maybe he wouldn't let me down now? Maybe I could trust him?   
  
I looked at Quatre again, seeking comfort and reassurance. He was smiling at me, that warm, gentle smile that makes you feel as if everything is going to be alright.   
  
"Can I?" I whispered in a voice that was so full of hope and fear that I barely recognised it as my own.  
  
"Yeah, Duo, you can."   
  
I hugged him tightly, pressing my body against his as hard as I could, and then stood up, intent on going back to the house and saying 'let's give it a go'. But something stopped me. Something held me frozen, staring at the trees, my heart thudding in my chest.   
  
I had been so caught up in thinking of how it could go wrong that I hadn't thought about what it would actually be like. Wufei would be my official boyfriend. Partner. Significant other. But so was Heero. Only Heero was so much more. What if Wufei thought we would have that immediately? What if he didn't realise that it would take time to forge a bond between us? There had been circumstances surrounding me and Heero getting together, circumstances that could not and would not be repeated. There would be no diving headfirst into a serious relationship. It would have to be slow and gentle and patient. And it was made all the more complicated by the fact that he would be sharing me with Heero.   
  
What would it mean for when I wanted to be intimate with one of them? Did I just go 'Oh, sorry, Fei, but I wanted to fuck Heero silly so could you sleep on the couch tonight?' Or how about 'Gee, Heero, I kinda wanted to kiss Wufei senseless, can you come back in an hour or so?'  
  
"Duo, would you stop worrying about it?" Quatre asked, a hint of exasperation in his voice, and I felt a twinge of guilt.  
  
"Can't help it," I muttered, sitting back down on the tree, ignoring the damp that was seeping into my jeans. "Relationships in general are complicated. Relationships between two Gundam pilots is a nightmare waiting to happen. A relationship between Shinigami and the Perfect Soldier is a disaster waiting to happen. And a relationship between Shinigami, who just so happens to be completely fucked up, the Perfect Soldier, and Chang Wufei is going to be a catastrophe! There are a billion things just waiting to go wrong, a billion things that could take not only Wufei from me, but Heero as well! One little mistake and I will be back on my own again, only this time I won't be able to handle it, because, dammit! I need Heero!"   
  
"Heero's not always going to be there," he said, and though his voice was as soft and gentle as he could manage, the words still stung. "I know it's too much to ask that you try and cope on your own this soon after your... problems, but you don't have to be alone, because Wufei will be there. If there are any missions that require both Wing and Shenlong, which is doubtful, we'll ask if either me or Trowa can go instead. Hell, we can even demand it if we want. It's not as if they can tell us no. You just have to learn that you can lean on Wufei. He'll be there for you, too, if you let him."   
  
But... what if he rejected me? What if he thought I was weak and pathetic? What if he was disgusted?  
  
"Duo! Would you please stop that? He is not going to reject you, he is not going to think you are weak, pathetic or disgusting. He is going to be worried and concerned and touched and honoured that you trust him enough to lean on him."   
  
I wanted to believe him, I really did, but... I just wasn't sure I could. All my life, I had been taught that any sign of weakness was bad, that you should never show how vulnerable you were, and every time I had dared to disobey those lessons, I had gotten hurt. I had depended on Solo, and he'd died. I had depended on Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, and they'd been killed. Everyone had been taken away from me. Could I really take that risk again?   
  
In case you haven't noticed, I have many, many complex fears, all based on the one big fear of being abandoned, deserted, alone.   
  
"Duo, you are not alone," Quatre said, quietly but insistently. "You will never be alone as long as Trowa and I are here. We may not be in love with you, but we do love you. And it's not just us, you've got Sally and Howard, not to mention the rest of the Sweepers. You are not alone, and you won't be as long as I can help it."   
  
I looked at him, and knew that he was telling the truth. He did love me, but not in the romantic sense. He loved me as a friend and a brother. He loved me like Solo had loved me. He was... he was my family.   
  
I hugged him again, not out of joy, but just because I needed to tell my warped mind that he was there, that he was real, that I was not alone.   
  
"I'm just so scared, Quatre," I whispered, and he hugged me a little tighter.  
  
"There's nothing to be scared of, Duo. Trust me, please. I know it's hard, but just trust me and trust in Wufei. Please."   
  
It wasn't that easy, of course. I still had many doubts and many, many fears, but Quatre began walking slowly back to the house, and I followed. He talked to me about one of his sisters, Kayla, and her exciting new job as a real estate agent, and I let the soothing nonsense wash over me, focusing on his words but not really, just letting it distract me from the whirling thoughts in my head.   
  
That stopped working when we actually reached the house. I couldn't see them or hear them, but I knew that they were in there, waiting for me, for my answer. My feet froze, my heart began to beat just a little frantically.  
  
Quatre caught my hand and gave it a squeeze, and I gave him a grateful, if a touch wobbly, smile.  
  
"I'll be backing you up," he whispered, and I nodded, taking the last few steps that took me into the house. 


End file.
